On the Verge

Hello dearest RANTers!

How long has it been (Sounds like I’m referring to another thing here.)?

I know, I know. I have a debt of three RANTs to you guys but it looks like I’ll be doing just one for today. Maybe next Monday I’ll do those two other RANTs for you guys (Give me a B-I-G smile!).

Now I know that the title of this RANT sounds like I’m about to lose my mind or something like that but it won’t be. Rather, it would be about what happened to me, and also the reason why I wasn’t able to RANT, for the past two weeks.

Everybody in our house is busy in taking care of our grandfather, the only living grandparent I have left. He wasn’t doing well during that time so I had to sacrifice the time in doing my RANTs to taking care of him.

What was I doing? PALLIATIVE care.

Now, for those who doesn’t know what PALLIATIVE care means, it is simple the care given by health professionals to those patients who are about to bid their goodbyes. In other words, it simply means caring for the dying.

As you may all know, a very dear friend of mine just bid his goodbye three months ago so when I knew about our grandfather’s condition I guess I told myself that I should make-up for it.

Why?

I wasn’t able to take care of my three late grandparents when they were dying and I also wasn’t able to take care of my dearest friend when he was in his deathbed. I should make-up for it. I should be able to preserve life or at least see the light of life flicker for the last time (Damn! I am such a D-R-A-M-A Queen, aren’t I?).

September 9, 2013 was the day our cousin who works as a nurse in Singapore came back here in the Philippines after a few days of going back to Singapore for work. She came back here to persuade our grandfather to give his consent to insert a nasogastric tube to feed him. He was not eating during those times so our family decided to feed him through an NGT. He doesn’t want an NGT placed at first but was persuaded after a little while.

September 11, 2013 was the day our grandfather had his NGT placed. We were happy about it because we will now be able to feed him the right amount of food he needs to get him back on his feet (If you know what I mean.).

On that same day, our cousin did an oropharyngeal suctioning so that he can breathe easily and so that he won’t need to cough up his phlegm (Again, a whole lot E-A-S-I-E-R.).

Then our cousin went out for just a little while to do some business and so we were left to take care of our grandfather. We were able to feed him during lunch time and then something happened after a while.

As I was watching music videos in my room, Ate Ninfa, the one who takes care of our grandfather 24/7, called me because our grandfather is having a difficulty in breathing. As soon as I went down from my room, I immediately assessed him of his problem of difficulty of breathing. Then and there I found out that there is some phlegm stuck on his throat (Sorry if it sounds icky and all but please bear with me for a moment.) so I immediately asked Ate Ninfa to switch on the suction machine.

As I was suctioning our grandfather, I got a chance to look into his eyes. Right then and there I saw the eyes of a human body looking for his soul, an empty shell looking for its contents. That is the moment in which I’ve denied myself that our grandfather is already on the verge of death.

My sister came into our house and called our Mom and our Tita in Canada via Facetime. Ate Ninfa is crying, my Ate is on the verge of breaking down.

Mom and our Tita asked me to remove his NGT, and so I did. Before I went on removing his NGT, I told him what I will do and said, “Tay, kapit!” (Tay, hold on!). I’ve told myself that I will prolong his life until our Mom comes home from Canada. Right at that moment, I did not accept the fact that there is nothing that I can do to prolong his life. He was just there lying on his bed, without a soul, and trying to catch his breath.

Then in just a few minutes, his youngest child, our Aunt and my Ninang (Godmother), came and hugged him and said, “Tay, umalis ka na. Hayaan mo na kami dito. Kaya na namin.” (Tay, go on. Leave us here. We’re fine on our own.).

What did I do that time? I checked his vital signs and called my cousins who are living in Metro Manila to come to our house. His vital signs are showing that he really is on the verge of death.

Then our cousin, who came from Singapore to take care of our grandfather, came back from her walk. She immediately hugged our grandfather as soon as she came. And that’s the moment our grandfather drew his last breath.

Self-pity.

That’s what I felt when our grandfather died. That’s what I felt when my dearest friend died. That is how I feel when they died because I feel like I wasn’t able to help them because my skills as a help professional still isn’t honed. I am still a newbie; a neophyte. I am still incompetent. I felt pathetic.

I apologized to my Mom and Tita who were in Canada that time. Tears dropped as I told my apology to them because of what I felt. What made me cry more is their words of relief. They told me that it’s all okay. That if really it is his time to go then there is nothing we could do more but help him get through without pain, suffering, and uneasiness.

And that’s what I forgot.

I forgot that as a health professional, I should be able to take care of human life from the time it started in the W-O-M-B until it ends in the T-O-M-B. As a health professional, I should be able to see the first and last breath of human life.

I may not be able to preserve human life when it is already on the verge of bidding goodbye but at least I should be able to take care of them to the extent of my knowledge and abilities. After all, that is my own oath when I took this path.

P.S.
Sorry for being such a D-R-A-M-A Q-U-E-E-N- here RANTers. I just want to vent out what I felt.